Tomorrow She Comes

Dear Baby Girl,
On the eve of your arrival, this is what I would tell you:

I can't promise the world is good or kind or gentle.

But our home will be.

I can't promise as you grow that life will be fair.

But our home will be.  

I can't promise sunny skies and days free from bruises.

But you can always come home.

I can't promise life's storms will be diverted as you learn and grow.

But you can always come home. 

I can promise to hold, cherish and adore you.

I can promise to (in all my imperfections and to try to do my best) teach you, and when your butterfly wings expand beyond our home one long day from now your compass will know how to point true north.  That is my prayer. My hope. 

But for now, I anticipate the morning. That first cry.  That first bundle wrapped up and lain in my arms. And we will take it one day at a time.  That's the only guarantee we have.  I trust you in the hands of the One who created you.  The One who is knitting you even now.  The One who knows you.  Loves you.  Sees you.  Holds you.  And...I get to be your mom.  My. Heart. Leaps.  In 12 hours, you'll be in my arms. Your cozy, warm cocoon will turn into a full, loving nest...a home to be adored beyond words. We wait with open arms!

We Love You,

Mom (and Dad, Big Bro and Big Sis)

When Dreams Don't Come True

 Seems like yesterday, but it's been 19 years.

19!

A few-measly-tenths shy from being on the podium and securing a spot at the coveted Nationals.
First alternate...oh the sting of what that meant.  Honor?  Yes, of course.  But who wants to be the one left at home?  Who wants to fill out all the forms as if you've qualified and still train just to wait and see if someone will get injured in order to open up a spot for you? 

Eleven years of dedication. 5:30am mornings in a cold rink.  Bruises from unforgiving ice.  Scars from razor-sharp blades penetrating flesh.

Dreams didn't come true that day.

Sitting home and watching my competitors and friends on TV at Nationals.  That was hard.
But it's moments like those when dreams shift, alter, and rise in a different way. 
And here I sit in 2015 and watch Nationals; that sacred, annual figure skating event that anyone who has ever been in the skating world clears their schedule in order to watch.  Many of these girls weren't even born in 1996 when Michelle Kwan won and the four girls ahead of me at Sectionals all placed in the top eight at Nationals that year.  But as I look at the past two decades, I can't help but see that even in those times of broken dreams, new sprouts pop up and blossom into the most beautiful, fragrant gifts we couldn't have ever dreamt up ourselves.  We just have to trust and know something is waiting for us around the next turn even when it looks different than what we might have originally desired.  And there will be.  There always is.  Although I miss elements of the beautiful sport that gave me so much, I'm beyond thankful for all of those blossomed gifts that rose from the day dreams didn't come true.

She Comes in THREE Weeks

It's not that we're in denial.  Okay, well, maybe we are a tad bit.  But three weeks...THREE WEEKS!!!!  I'm not quite sure where nine months has gone.  Our little darling will enter the world to a lot of love.  Two adoring siblings are already in love, and we can't wait to hold and cherish her.

The nursery...well, it'll get there (after our major renovations my handy hubby is doing all over the house).  

The car seat is still in the box.

The stroller will get put together.  

And, everything else we need...we'll get there too! 

And for someone who is a planner, it all feels paradoxically peaceful.

The hospital bag is packed, so if she comes tonight we'll be ready.

I find myself relishing in the moment with this pregnancy.  Every kick.  Every hiccup.  Every uncomfortable punch from her strong, delicate tiny arms.  She's a miracle growing and being revealed with each new God-given gracious gift of a day.  Maybe that's why in the midst of uncomfortable nights and hectic days three weeks seems so close, but I don't want to miss the present.  And as I look at my big kids, I'm reminded of how precious life is and how quickly each stage passes.  Living in the moment is so much better than wanting something to end (even if you know something good is going to begin).  My pregnancy will come to a close between now and the 28th, that's a given, and the new life as a family of five will begin.  We can't wait.  WE CAN'T WAIT!!!!  But for now, we anticipate her arrival yet cherish today.